I've learned that maintaining respectful communication is both challenging and crucial. Over the years, I've developed strategies that have helped me keep my cool and focus on what truly matters - our children's well-being.
Here, I'll share these hard-won insights in the hope they'll help other parents in similar situations.
Avoid Reactive Responses
One of the most important lessons I've learned is the power of the pause. When my co-parent sends a message that pushes my buttons (and believe me, there have been many), I've trained myself to step back and take a deep breath before responding. Sometimes, I even wait a full day if the matter isn't urgent. This pause allows me to respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
Focus on Children's Needs, Not Personal Grievances
It's easy to get caught up in the hurt and anger that often accompany divorce. However, I've found that constantly reminding myself that our communication is about our children - not about rehashing past conflicts - helps me stay on track. Before I send any message, I ask myself: "Is this in the best interest of our children?" If the answer is no, I refrain from sending it.
Keep Communications Brief, Informative, and Factual
I've adopted a communication style called "BIFF" - Brief, Informative, Friendly and Factual. It's a trademark of the High Conflict Institute created by Bill Eddy and others. Check out their resources, there is a wealth of information as well as books and courses I'd urge you to peruse. I'll stick to the essential information: avoid emotional language, and focus on facts rather than opinions or accusations.
This approach has significantly reduced misunderstandings and conflicts, but mostly my own stress in reading and replying to messages. That led me to create the coparenting responses app.
Utilize Co-Parenting Apps
Technology has been a game-changer in managing high-conflict co-parenting. I use the OurFamilyWizard app, which has features designed to promote respectful communication. The app's tone meter helps me check the emotional content of my messages before sending them, ensuring I maintain a neutral, respectful tone.
Set a Positive Example
I always remind myself that my children are watching and learning from how I handle difficult situations. By controlling my behavior and maintaining respectful communication, even when it's challenging, I'm teaching them valuable lessons about conflict resolution and emotional regulation.
Use "I" Statements
Instead of making accusations or pointing fingers, I use "I" statements to express my concerns. For example, instead of saying, "You never stick to the schedule," I might say, "I feel frustrated when the schedule changes without prior discussion." This approach is less likely to put the other parent on the defensive and more likely to lead to productive dialogue.
Acknowledge the Other Parent's Perspective
Even when I disagree with my co-parent, I try to acknowledge their perspective. This doesn't mean I always agree, but showing that I've heard and considered their viewpoint often helps de-escalate tensions.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Not every issue is worth a conflict. I've learned to prioritize what's truly important for our children's well-being and let go of minor irritations. This approach has significantly reduced the overall level of conflict in our co-parenting relationship.
Seek Support When Needed
Maintaining respectful communication in high-conflict situations is emotionally draining. I've found it helpful to seek support from a therapist or co-parenting coach when I need strategies to deal with particularly challenging situations.
Remember the Long Game
Finally, I always try to keep the long-term goal in mind. Our children will grow up, and I want them to look back and see that despite our differences, both parents did their best to co-parent respectfully. This perspective helps me stay committed to respectful communication, even on the toughest days.
Implementing these strategies hasn't always been easy, and I'm far from perfect. But over time, they've helped me maintain more respectful and effective communication with my co-parent. Remember, every step towards more respectful communication is a win for your children.
Stay patient, stay focused on your kids, and keep striving to be the best co-parent you can be. Your children will thank you for it in the long run.
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